It is only lately in my life that I have begun to realize that size,
ability or challenges, appearances, and a whole host of other more
physical things do not make or hinder desirability, sexuality,
sensuality, or even likability. Yes, there are stigmas, bigotries, hate
crimes, and other despicable cruelties we humans do do to each other
based on real or contrived differences. And, the harm is horrendous. No
escaping that terrible fact. Nor can I escape the damage done through
years of terror, abuse, and neglect. But, that is not all of the story I
have begun to discover and work through in some new ways for me.
One
of my first insights to help me begin to heal on body issues about 20
years ago was the simple fact that without my body, none of the other
qualities I admired could exist as me. My body was my home. My body is me, a reflection of me, and the portal into all of me. With the simultaneous insight of a deeper awareness of how all "things" are connected, I began exploring how my body was also connected to all things.
I
did not learn to love me or my body well, but I started by learning not
to want it dead all the time. Some days this is a monumental effort
even now albeit for different variations on earlier reasons. I did learn
that others similar to me were loved deeply as they are. I learned
other in worse conditions than I faced also were loved deeply. Not all
like me were loved. Most were still trapped in the cruelties of life.
But, for me, I began paying attention to the possibilities. I hungered
for those. I decided I could be loved too. I knew how to love. So, I
decided to continue working on me, making me a better conduit of love
while at the same time doing as much research about the issues as
possible. This research included listening to my body and learning the
words to put to different emotions and other sensations. My insight was
to work toward wholeness and healing in such a way that I could become
the kind of lover I would want, and somehow that would attract what I
needed, desired, and longed for to me... in me.
And, here I am. I am not yet shameless, but I am shedding more and more shame every day. What a relief!
